new years eve!

today is new years eve! we are back home... i love traveling, but it's always so nice to be home. we have finals coming up, at school, so much of these next couple days will be devoted to studying! i spent about 3 hours yesterday cleaning my room, and filling a garbage bag with all the things i've kept, that are just garbage! which was good, but those hours will not be helping me on my finals. so today is all about studying, finishing an english project, and then relaxing!

i got a new picture in the mail of my compassion child, milagro, yesterday. she is growing up so fast on me! she also sent me a beautiful christmas card. it is amazing the way that god can totally open up doors and create a relationship, even between two people that are so different that you would never imagine us being friends. but god has torn down boulders, and i am loving seeing our relationship grow. milagro is now 7, and lives in El Salvador. AND, how could i forget?!? her baby brother is almost here! she is so excited to get to see him, she cannot stop talking about him!

more later... happy new years eve!

christmas 08!

we had a wonderful christmas... happy birthday jesus!
we were with all of our family, and had christmas morning at both grandparent's houses, and god was good and provided abundantly. it was warm here, and we went for golf-cart rides, and played around... and all had christmas dinner together at my mom's parents house. it was a wonderful day... hope you all had a great day with your families. i will post some pictures when i get home and can plug my digital camera in! i talked with all my friend's from back home, through some texting and phone calls! so it was a grand day.

we ended up not seeing miss mary earlier this week, and will now be seeing her on saturday. she wasn't feeling up to it, so we are planning on seeing her on saturday for lunch. i just found out from my grandma that she had a stroke, and is barely moving now... it broke my heart to hear. i know my grandma didn't tell me earlier because she knew it would break my heart, but now i am just awaiting to see miss mary and see how she is doing. i'm praying that she has not lost hope, and that her heart is still as big and bright as it was before. i'll post more after our lunch.

now, one of the most exciting parts of my christmas was my dear friend ALLISON! Miss Allison began her travels to Cambodia on Christmas night. She helped build a school there, through a group run by United Nations called "For Each Other". She is the Ohio Delegate. Her mother, her, and four other delegates (I believe four..) will be traveling to Cambodia to see the opening of the school and meet the kids. It's a school for kids, by kids. It's a beautiful story. She is amazing! And I am so very excited to hear about how Jesus uses her while she's there. Please join me in praying for Allison, her mom, the other delegates, the kids and school, and their families. I will post more upon Allison's return.

now this part might sound weird... so bear with me. i think jesus is trying to talk to me through numbers. not just through any number... through a very specific number. 11. everywhere i look, i see an 11. especially with the clock. it's always "something:11" or "11:something" or the numbers will add to an 11. or someone will call me, and their phone number has an 11 in it. and it's getting more and more intense and almost impossible to ignore! it's so bizarre! and i have no idea what it means. any ideas? 11...

more later! merry christmas to you all!

florida!! and the gloerfelts!!!

so i am in florida! yes! it's warm here! when we left home on monday morning, it was 5 degrees outside. it was so cold that it almost hurt! (yes... that is possible!) but we are here! and that is so very exciting. my entire family will be here... so far it's my family, my mom's parents, my dad's parents, and my mom's brother... but my dad's brother and my cousin will get here tonight, and then my other cousin gets here on saturday! so we are just missing my uncle, aunt, and 1 cousin! otherwise, we are all here! (small family!) but it's always a hilarious and wacky time when we are all together. so i'm looking forward to it! and christmas is almost here! hard to believe...

i'm doing well... i had an EXCELLENT weekend! my dearly beloved GLOERFELTS were in town! yes!!! mel and i spent friday night talking and laughing, at max & ermas and the mall! she is soo funny. it was so good to see her! love you mel! and i got to pray with mel, laurent, and mel's mother! :o) very very exciting. then sunday night, was absolutely hilarious... i got to spend dinner with some of the funniest people i know! mel and megan (stone coe? hm... not sure!) we went to a Woh! for some chinese food. yummy... i've never laughed so hard. and i'm looking forward to more fun when i get back, before my dears have to return home!

i am having lunch today with my sister, grandma, and miss mary. miss mary is the sweetest old lady you've ever met... i've known her forever, she's one of my grandma's best friends, and everytime we come to visit, she has us over for lunch. the poor woman has had a rough couple of years; her husband passed away a while back and she recently lost her daughter to cancer. but she is a dear... so that's my plans for this afternoon. and then my cousin and uncle come in tonight.

the pain is about the same... the steroids are kicking in a little... which is helping. but i think i'm mostly feeling better because i'm distracted! my new year's resolution is that i grow closer to jesus and further from anything that distracts me from him. and that i get more comfortable with handing over everything to him, and trusting that he knows what he is doing and can be trusted, with everything. and that i am okay with the idea that by giving him total control and praying that he will bring me closer to him whatever it takes, that what may bring me closer to him may not be exactly what i want to do or go through... but knowing that he can be trusted amidst that. so, closer to jesus, further from distractions!

merry christmas to you all! i will post more later.

today's prayer

i've had 7 doctors appointments, since monday. it's been a really rough week, and i'm struggling and tired and weak tonight... and this is my prayer...

jesus, i thank you for tonight. i thank you for my health issues. lord, i know you have placed them in my life for a reason and for your glory. and so tonight, amidst my confusion, frustration, fear, worry, and broken, worn-down heart, i'm relying on you to get me through. and i am thanking you, for my pain, my struggles, all the bumps in my path, and my tears tonight. i want to thank you for the ways you are at work in my life, and the amazing extremes you've gone to, to get my attention. i want to thank you for the support system you've given me. and jesus, i will admit tonight that i am struggling. that i am weak. that i am tired and frail... and my body is sick. but i also will admit tonight that in my weakness i am finding your strength, and i am learning the new wonders of your mercy and grace. i give you my life, once again, tonight. i am not my own. i am yours. hold me, mold me, use me for your glory. i love you, daddy! no matter what. it's in the precious name of jesus i pray, amen.

all over but the shoutin'

live out your dreams and rise above circumstances, but never forget where you came from and the people who got you where you are.

this was what i decided was the theme of a memoir i recently read for english class. the novel, all over but the shoutin' was excellent. it's by rick braggs. and as i am working on the poster for the theme... i was thinking if i agree with what rick braggs life has portrayed. it sounds good... i mean, the words just fit when i put them on the page. i think we can flip them around, and they might work.

starting with the "live out your dreams"... maybe, we can. as long as our dreams are jesus' plan. i mean, once you fall in love with the King, then we want exactly what He wants. so my dreams are that jesus does exactly what He wants in and through my life. so i could live out my dreams, because they are for jesus to do exactly what He wants!

"rise above circumstances"... sure! look for the Light in the darkness. search out jesus in everything. see what He's up to in circumstances. rise above them, find glory, and direct it to Jesus.

"but never forget where you came from"... absolutely. never let your pride grow. always remember that we are all broken and weak, and He is at work in all of us. never forget that you are a sinner. don't let yourselve judge others, and put them "beneath" you. its when our hearts grow bitter and cold and judgemental that it becomes difficult for Christ to be exalted.

"and the people who got you where you are." one word- gratitude. don't give yourself the glory. give it to jesus. don't forget about all the people who got you where you are. the big impacters and the smaller ones. they all did it. say thank you. share the satisfaction. share the success. give the glory to god.

so go out there! go share the light! say, here i am god, send me!
check your heart. make sure it's in the right place.
then go...
live out your dreams and rise above circumstances, but never forget where you came from and the people who got you where you are.

tired and crps

good morning! i am extremely tired this morning. have been all week. just need an entire day to sleep and catch up, but there's never time! i'm so desperately yearning for a snow day!

things are overwhelming this week. i feel like life is just flying by. and i can't do anything but try to hang on! you know that feeling? like your schedule is just whipping you around and you are just hanging on the back?

many of you know, but i haven't posted a formal blog yet on the possible crps diagnosis. (complex regional pain syndrome). the rheumatologist mentioned it for the first time on wednesday during our appointment (it's also known as reflex sympathetic dystrophy). check it out... do some research on it. it's interesting. and i match almost every single symptom. i have to keep an eye on a few things, and then call him back if anything changes. lets just say, i have to call him back. my hip is tingly all the time, it's colder than my left hip, it's a red-blotchy color, and it's waking me up about 7 times a night. so we'll see what he thinks. i'll post more later...

love to you all!

sacrum

so... today was fun. i had physical therapy this morning, and my therapist noticed that my pelvis was a little out of line. so... she dislocated it (intentionally)... rearranged it, and then snapped it all back in. one of the most painful experiences i've ever had...the noises my pelvis made, the pain... it was miserable. but other than that, i was okay... then came around 1:00. i was at school, and dropped my pen, and bent over to get it, and i got "stuck" . a huge crack, then i bent upward, another huge crack, and then severe pain began radiating from my lower back and pelvis region, all the way down both legs to my knees, and then up to my mid-stomach region. it was some of the most intense pain i've ever felt. i knew something was wrong. we called my physical therapist, and she had an idea of what was causing it, and had me come over. so...my sacrum got caught to my right side. visibly caught. she showed me, and you could just see my sacrum, at a 45 degree angle, when it was supposed to be straight downward. uhh! it was horrible. she grabbed it, snapped it back in place, and so far i've been much better... but whadda day! a very very painful day. still in lots of pain, but doing much better.

did i mention, appointments?

loads of appointments coming up... which is both, tiring and kind of annoying, and yet, gives me such a sense of hope, as i continually am crossing my fingers for some answers! but praying and meditating on god's timing.

in the next few weeks... we have:
10/28- 6:00 massage therapy
11/4- 9:45 psychologist
- 2:30 eye doctor
11/7-7:30 physical therapy (PT)
11/10- 3:15 PT
11/12- 4:00 rheumatologist
- 5:15 flu shot
-6:00 PT
11/13-7:30 allergist
11/17-3:15 PT
11/19-5:15 PT
12/1- 3:15 PT
12/2- 8:15 dermatologist- outpatient surgery
12/3- 4:30 PT
12/8-3:15 PT
12/10- 4:30 PT
12/15- 3:30 neurologist
12/16: 1:15 psychologist
12/17- 4:30 PT

that's my medical schedule so far... we have a few more appointments to make, that will get added. but, for now... that's what we've got! it's gonna be fun. but we're praying that, maybe, hopefully, we'll get some answers! sorry for the pretty boring post. but that's kind of what's on my mind tonight.

i get my temporary license on thursday! look out, i'm gonna be on the roads! :o) i'm excited, though.

more soon!

just clay

so... where did the title of the blog come from? these lyrics i wrote, that the amazing logofieffs worked collaboratively on, to create the song, "just clay"!!!

check out the link, to hear it: http://higuru-munda.blogspot.com/2008/10/just-clay.html

Just a mound of clay on Your Table, Lord.

I'll take work and kneading,

and yet you see my beauty,

and lovingly you form me.

Just a mound of clay on Your Table, Lord.

I'll take work and kneading,

Work and kneading,

Lord, You are my Potter.
Hold me, mold me.
I am just clay, but in your
Hands, I am taught and formed.

Just a mound of clay, on Your Table, Lord.
Hold me, mold me.I am just clay but in your
Hands, I am taught and formed.

I'm scared, Lord, could You hold me?
I'm scared and sinful, would You still mold me?
And lovingly form me.
And lovingly form me.

And now, I'm on my knees (And now, I'm on my knees)
Asking You to hold me- (hold me-)
And now, I'm on my knees (And now, I'm on my knees)
Asking You to mold me- (mold me-)
And lovingly form me.
And lovingly form me.

broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
-Broken by Lifehouse

i could never say this enough... god has blessed me with the most INCREDIBLE group of believers, so much better than anything i could ever ask for. i totally mean that. i love all of you-- veritas leaders & friends, "underground" leaders from this past year and this summer, upstreet crew, and i could go on and on.

c.g. made a cd for me last week--and this was the opening song on it. i listened to it for the first time on sunday night, and was kind of like, hm... it's got a nice tune. sweet. and that was about all the thought i put to it. then came tuesday afternoon. and i had a total meltdown. it got really rough. and the first thing that came to mind was, turn on that cd that c.g. made you. so i sat down to listen to it, and "broken" played. it was the most perfect song for that moment. mainly because, lifehouse kept it real. when i'm having those meltdowns, it's not very comforting to turn on a song about someone just saying how amazing love is. not that i don't live off of god's love, i do. but during those total lows, you need someone to just be real, and not "downplay" your struggles. and through this song, jesus was able to tell me, i understand that you feel like you are falling apart, that you are struggling, that you are in so much pain, that you have a broken heart, yes... i understand. but you will be okay, i am here, and i have got you. just try to hang on, but i will never let you fall. you are a little lost, but you have not forgotten how to get back to me. i'm right here.

then through the allergist appointment, thursday night, and friday's bloodwork, this song was just playing over and over in my head. i am falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating, in the pain there is healing, and in God's name, i find meaning. so i'm hangin' on. and i'm hangin' on to the words He has given me.
i may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

ceiling tiles

this was today's view. minus the wood walls and the stain in the tile. i'm not a huge fan of looking at ceilings, but i had no option in today's situation. i passed out again. this time, at the allergist. went for the first time today, to see if i have allergies (after a supposed, "sinus infection" for the last 5 weeks.) they gave me 9 allergy injections, and my body did not approve. out i went! i'm recovered... i just take a while. it took a good 5 hours for me to start feeling better. no allergies, it turns out. but she put me on a very strong antibiotic to try to clear out all my sinus infection--just crossing our fingers i don't get the "forewarned" diarrhea side effect. and then i have to get more bloodwork tomorrow to check my antibody count. she has a feeling i might have an immune deficiency, in which, for whatever reason, my body has stopped making antibodies. will post more after the bloodwork tomorrow. hoping to see no more ceiling tiles! :o)

spreading, yet graced!

Been a while since I posted... interesting week at school; we have a really weird schedule. Tomorrow we take the PSAT, so our periods are all 16 minutes long (woo!! way short!), and then on Thursday, our periods are all 26 minutes long, and then we have early release, and then no school on Friday! :o) Yet I feel soo busy, even with all the extra time!

been noticing the pain spreading again... hip is still the "center"... followed by my fingers, right knee, left shoulder, left ankle, and then right elbow. the hip pain has spread around to my lower back and then down to my inner thigh, as well as down the outside of my thigh down to my toes. hoping to see the rheumatologist again soon. the pain meds just aren't doing anything anymore. see the psychologist in early december.

saw the "massage therapist" today, for the peeling of the muscles session. just trying anything, hoping for some results. we seem to be making extremely slow, and yet... somewhat minimally steady progress. i try to stay hopeful!

i trust jesus has this all under his control. and i'm trying to stay thankful for my pain, because i know that it has been one of the biggest blessings for me... just hard to remember that some nights, like tonight.

i love you jesus! and know that your love, strength, and grace are sufficient for me! more than enough, dear lord!

crutch-free dance!

yay! i made it through homecoming, crutch-free! homecoming was so much fun. it was crazy--it was highschool-like, but it was fun. we danced the night away--and my hip made sure i was aware that it didn't like 3.5 hours of dancing! but that didn't stop me! i danced with one of my best friends, D.D., who is absolutely hilarious, and the coolest guy you've ever met- and what is so amazing about D.D. is he has been in a wheelchair almost his entire life from spinal dystrophy, and yet, he's never bitter-he' s never envious, he's so supportive, he's like my brother. and he was a blast to dance with, we came up with all kind of cool dances for me last year when i was on crutches, and so this year, we made dances for him in his wheelchair. it was hilarious. and then i danced as d.d. calls "normally" with some other guys and friends! it was a blast. everybody looked so pretty-and it was fun!

then veritas on sunday! which was awesome. but i'll admit, i've been feeling a little weird these last weeks, with small signs of dizziness coming back, but i've been trying to ignore them. but during the first song of worship last night, i couldn't ignore the symptoms. my heart started pounding and i felt like i was going to pass out. so A.D.S. and i went out into the hall and got a drink of water, and then my heart felt weird, and we took my pulse, and let's just say... my heart was racing like crazy. i can't remember a time it was going this fast, and it was pounding. we prayed. and then i started getting really dizzy. so A.D.S. ran and got C.G., our youth group leader, and he had us move onto the couches in his office, and then M.M. (another amazing leader!) came back with a water bottle, and i started trembling. and then the throbbing headache and sweating began. and then we prayed-and things started to calm down. and then M.P. came back and prayed with us, and i was feeling up to returning to the group, and C.G. had an awesome message. and i was so thankful jesus fixed me up in time to hear it! it was kind of a tough thing for me though, just because, i had been in "the clear" for all this POTS stuff for about... 4 months, and then last night was a solid reminder that i'm not there yet. but we'll get through it.

jesus. i thank you for my health issues. lord, i know you've placed them in my life for a reason and for your glory. and lord, amidst my confusion, frustration, anxious thoughts, and total fear, i'm relying on you and your grace to get me through. jesus, i love you. you are my rock and strength and my king. you are incredible. and you are so beyond any little earthly medical problem-and i trust that. i trust you. and i love you. and i'm giving this all back to you, and thanking you for what you are doing in my life. i thank you for the people you have surrounded me with, like A.D.S., C.G., M.M., T.M., M.P., and i could go on and on, with M.G. and L.G. and R.S., and... so on. but i just thank you for you, and your glory, and your honor, and your love. you are so amazing. i love you. amen.

homecoming!

#66 m.m.
i open today's post with the football number and initials of captain medders, an army captain who was killed in iraq this past week. he was a 2001 graduate of my high school. it's been a hard week for our town. and yet-it's been amazing to see our community come together for this family. friday's homecoming game was dedicated to mike, as was all of this week's festivities. friday's game was opened with the 21-gun salute.

but tonight, is the big homecoming dance. i'm pretty excited-and honestly, i'm really excited to be able to put on a dress, and not have crutches or tape accompanying it! (and, you would think i would have learned from melanie's example, in her skirt and knee story! ha ha, mel!). its about 3:30, and i'm about to start getting ready! i painted my toenails this morning. and am about to hop in the shower, and then dry the hair, straighten the hair, "do" the hair (i've got a new style to try, my hair dresser taught me!), get in the dress, then makeup, then paint the finger nails... and then it's pictures and dinner at a friend's house with the girls and guys, and then we are off to the dance! and then we are hanging at a friend's house afterwards for a while. it should be fun. will post more later!

gotta give.

something's gotta give. you know that feeling? when you literally have not had a chance to just "be" in a couple of weeks-and your mind is flying at about 200 thoughts per minute. and you are getting to bed late-and getting up early. and just going from this to that, and from that to this, and around and around, and it's pure MADNESS? yep. that's what this week was. and so, i am deciding RIGHT NOW. here and now.
something's gotta give.
and that something, is not gonna be jesus. because my schedule has made him sacrifice so much already, and it's too much. he deserves my all. and that's what he's gonna get.

power out. power back.

for those of you who don't know what i am talking about, i am so extremely jealous. for those of you who do, i appreciate your understanding! our power went out on sunday evening at around 7:10pm. we lose our power once or twice a year, and it's always back before i wake up, so i thought nothing of it. that is, until i woke up the next morning, and school was cancelled, due to no power. then tuesday came along and school resumed, but we still had no power at my house. then wednesday, no power at our house. then thursday no power at our house. FINALLY. thursday afternoon, we got our power back. it was extremely humbling and frustrating, living without power for about 91 hours. it was crazy! but it was also a crazy time of learning. there were so many lessons that jesus taught me through this power-outage.
1.) when i would be trying to get ready in the morning, in the bathroom, and holding my little flashlight up to the mirror, just trying to simply see myself, and yet, i couldn't... i would get so frustrated. try putting makeup on, in the complete darkness!! (haha!). but then, the more i thought about it, it also kind of reminded me of what we are called upon to do, constantly, in the real world. as christians, we have our "lights" and we are called into darkplaces, and we try to spread the light, and light up the place/room. BUT, i know i have found, it can be incredibly frustrating and seemingly impossible, if you are the only "light" and you are relying on yourself. we must join our lights with other christians, and we must rely solely on jesus. that's when his light truly shines, and spreads.
2.) sometimes it takes a couple of days without power to become thankful, and to notice the ways in which jesus is constantly at work in your life. like, how easily i forget to become thankful for my lights in my home, and for the microwave, and for the ability to plug in my hair dryer, or turn on my radio, or use my alarm clock. i think we sometimes get so distracted by worldly things (cell phones, computers, tv's, ipods, certain relationships, etc... all of which, can be used for god's glory, but can also easily distract.), and we forget to notice the ways in which god is blessing us, and at work in our lives. i mean, we have an incredible god! one who will turn off your power for a few days, so you can see his power, his love, his blessings, his grace, and his hands at work in your life. how amazing is that.

200

have you ever sat back and realized that you think this life is all about you? because i was just convicted of that.
i'm sitting here... in my sweatpants and t-shirt, all cozy. in a nice house, with food in the pantry and refrigerator, about to make dinner. my parents are married and love each other. i live in a safe community. i have a wonderful church building to go to. and i was sitting here thinking, that this is all about ME. i deserve to be comfortable, i deserve to be loved, i deserve to be treated well, i deserve to be rewarded... and i could go on forever.
but. WHY. what in this human little mind of mine, gives me any permission at all, to think i deserve ANYTHING. to be completely honest, i deserve eternal punishment. i deserve to live in the streets as a beggar, and to be completely humiliated. i am a sinner.
AND YET... GOD in all His glory and splendor, CHOOSES to love me, to forgive me, and to mold me, to be more like Him. And He has BLESSED ME beyond anything i could ever imagine. and i still think this is all about me!
TO TAKE IT EVEN FURTHER... let's say this WAS all about me, for just a minute here, go with me.
when God created the earth, where was i?
when God created man, where was i?
when God lead moses, where was i?
when God sent his one and only son, where was i?
when Jesus died on the cross, where was i?
when God sent the Holy Spirit, where was i?
when God created the church, where was i?
when God created my parents, where was i?
before God created me, where was i?
Honestly, there seems to be a lot of GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT in that... and not a lot of me. the truth is, humans live on average about 80 years. but truly, god can take us at any time. i could live to be 30, 60, 100, 300, or i could die in 10 minutes. i know it's "sad", it's "not pretty", but it's the truth. and so, to think that this was all about me, is INSANE, because i am so temporary. God is ETERNAL. and this... this is all about glorifying GOD. I am nothing in this, except for one of God's children who has been changed by His Love, and i want to show others His Love while I'm here on earth, before i can praise him for eternity. i mean. this is all about god.
it's pretty humbling... just to think about all this. truly. and i hope that your heart is in the right place to now consider this.
my dear friends and brother and sister in christ, the gloerfelts, live in france. laurent is a philosophy teacher at three high schools, and has 200 students. they are looking for 200 people to offer to take up one of these students, and pray for them each day. knowing, that they may never see the fruit of their time and labor, but that it may change the student's life for ETERNITY. please visit their blog at http://www.laurentandmelanie.blogspot.com/ Consider it. This isn't about YOU or ME. This is about God. prayerfully consider if God is calling you to pray for one french student. I'm in. I'm praying for Eve. One ofmy friends is in, she's praying for Leah. Comment on Laurent and Melanie's blog, and they'll get you a student. 200. That's all we need. And we can change these students for eternity with Jesus.

response

today, i feel a need to post a response to a comment that was left regarding my post from a few days ago. but i encourage you all to read it.

dear "anonymous",
thank you for your recent comment. your words were thoughtful and kind. but through them, i see a need for me to apologize. there has clearly been a miscommunicatino on my part. the reason why i write about my pain, is because jesus has given it to me, to glorify him. He would not place me in such pain, for no reason, other than to "bother" me. and so i feel a need for me to share my pain with others. as brothers and sisters in christ, we are called to rejoice together and be sorrowful together, to encourage, and to love upon one another. and in my own experience, the only way to uphold that calling is for us to be vulnerable and real with one another. i do not write and speak of my pain for sympathy, to comfort myself, to focus on the pain, or to feel miserable... i speak of it, because God has blessed me with it for a reason, and i desire to glorify him through it. i have seen jesus' hand at work in me and others through my sharing of my struggles. it is through sharing that i have become grateful for my pain. and it is through continually sharing my pain, that i have remained upon my feet this last year. if i held all my pain in, i would feel alone, and would lose sight of our purpose--glorifying God. this year of pain and struggle has been the best thing for me, and i feel a need to share it. so i thank you for your comments. i thank you for your time in reading my blog. and i thank you for your prayers. please know i prayerfully considered your advice and appreciate it, and yet am following a different path, because i feel i have been called to do so, by our king and lord.
my love and prayers,
god's clay

hungry

so... recently, i've been extremely hungry! i know this sounds really random. but i have been! and i mean in that a few ways! i've actually truly been really hungry, but when ever i start to eat, i can't eat much. so i've been eating TONS of little meals all throughout the day. but the aspect of hunger that i really wanted to post on, was my hunger for Jesus and for Him to be glorified. in my health class, we took a survey earlier this week. out of 17 students, 9 of them admitted to (on a survey) drinking alcohol in the last 30 days. it was just kind of a reality check for me, in jesus showing me the work that He plans on doing in our high school. i recently have been hooked on the song, hungry, by jeremy camp.

hungry i come to you, for i know you satisfy. i am empty, but i know your love does not run dry. so i wait for you. so i wait for you. and i'm falling on my knees, offering all of me. jesus you're all this heart is living for. broken i run to you, for your arms are open wide. i am weary but i know your touch restores my life.

its just such a beautiful cry to god. its like. i'm so hungry, and empty, and weary, and broken. but I KNOW You satisfy, you love, your arms are open, and your touch restores me. And He is ALL that our hearts are living for. what a cool reminder. and truly, i've realized that amidst my struggles, jesus truly is the only thing that my heart is living for. and we've got to offer it all back to Him.

I'm so HUNGRY.
hungry for Jesus.
hungry for Him to be glorified.

what are you hungry for?

the thank-you project

i bought my homecoming dress today! which makes me very happy! its a dark purple/blue color, and it's a halter top, with a diamond broach (spelling??). its cute. i'm just crossing my fingers that i won't be on crutches for homecoming this year! (which i was last year... it was kind of a bummer!)
and then... you may be wondering why i named this "the thank-you project"!! WELL... you will just have to wait and see! lets just say, jesus and i have some things up our sleeves. be on the lookout for signs of gratitude and appreciation!

way late!

hola! i know i am way late in posting. i apologize! trust me, it's not because i have nothing to say! i have plenty to share, just haven't gotten a chance to get on and post. it's been a tough week. it was our first "full" week of school. which means, that teachers started assigning the homework! so it's like, we jumped in, full speed. with 5 days of school, tennis practice/matches, homework, piano, physical therapy... then this week, is when all the school clubs start up. key club, class officers, spanish club, model united nations. and then in october, starts up the art lessons. and then... my favorite, veritas, starts next sunday night! i am so so happy! and then, life groups start up soon! yay!

the ole' hipper. it's pretty incredibly awful! pain has gotten worse, if anything, even with the new pain meds. the pain is currently shooting down my leg, to about my ankle. which is better than yesterday, when it was down to my toes. but... worse than a few months ago, when it ended at my knee. and then of course, from compensating, my left and right knees hurt. but other than that, i'm doing okay! joint-wise!

pots-wise... i'm doing pretty good. been having some symptoms. dizziness is coming back. (which i was worried about). stomach aches and headaches are in full-swing. so far, no blackouts. i'm just really... achy, and feel quite "off-balance" and kind of general-yuckiness! ha ha. but i'm doing fine!

i got my first "d-" on a test, this week. in spanish III honors. which majorly stressed me out. school has always been a really consistent thing for me. like, even when everything else seems out of control, my schoolwork is always pretty consistent and i do well in school. its a huge blessing from god for me. and so, losing that "foundation" this week, really through me. sent me into a bit of a panic mode. but. i'm doing better! i'm trying to see what i could learn through that. one thing that's sticking out to me, is maybe, jesus is trying to show me, that i'm relying too much on earthly "support", and not enough on His heavenly support. you know? like. i rely too much on that "consistent success", and not enough on Him to come through! so maybe, He wants me to disconnect from that earthly "base". if so, it's working!

life circumstances are pretty insane right now! it's kind of like, when i think things couldn't get much worse, they always do! but hey. i'm alive! and our king reigns! and so, things are good! and... i'm learning, that jesus is keeping me relying on him. i'm always asking him to keep my eyes on him and out of temptation. and man. when i keep finding myself on the ground, he's the only one i can look to! besides my carpet. which gets pretty boring after about... a minute. our king is mind-boggling and loving, forever! so, if the only way i can stay faithful to him and he can work through me, is when i'm struggling with circumstances and totally in need of him and his comfort... then, jesus, bring on the struggles. because i only want to live for and with you.

if it will bring Him glory, i'll live through anything.
and amidst all this uncertainty and confusion and pain,
that is one thing i'm SURE of.

i love you jesus.
i am here.
send me.

5.5

Five and a half years old. That's how old the little boy I was babysitting last night was. I've babysat him, probably 20 times. He is the cutest thing. He is a red-head, and just a character. He starts school this year! Tomorrow, actually. So why am I telling you this? Well last night, we played the wii together. I am soo bad at the wii! Ha ha! But a lot of the kids I babysit have it, so I'm getting better. We played some Mario game. It was one of the most violent things I've ever seen! Not in a gruesome way... just it was based on fighting. And these characters, would fight each other, and all the buttons represent different tricks, and you try to kill the other character, and then you win. And about 10 minutes into it, I realized, I am sitting here, playing this violent game, with a 5 year old. He hasn't even started school, and yet he's totally into violent games of killing other characters. What a terrible thing. I know people say that boys will be boys. But it just made me sick to my stomach! Yuck.

glasses

how easily i get frustrated! i got a new pair of glasses this past january. and they recently started chipping a little at the edges, because the lenses fit a little too tight. so my mom and i had to go up to the store a few days ago, and they ordered a new pair of lenses, because they are insured for up to a year. and then we went back today to pick up the new lenses, and the store is about 20 minutes away. and we walk in, and the store is full, and the owner says we'll have to come back another day because he is just too busy. it was no big deal. i mean, in the scheme of things, no big deal, and yet i got so frustrated! why... our human nature is enough to drive me crazy!!! other than that, having a good first weekend of school! :o)

mini-melt

mini meltdown today. you know those days, where you start to think about the "whole" picture, of just your life, instead of god's whole picture, and you get overwhelmed? i had that this afternoon. especially after school starting, and my hip, and the POTS, and everything else... and it was so overwhelming. like, no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. and then jesus came through in perfect timing. i got a phone call from CG... (if you are reading this... thank you. jesus really worked through you. it was in his perfect timing. and you have been such an amazing blessing these last months. thank you for all you do!) and jesus really worked through that. it was just relieving, to just talk it all out. and have someone actually there listening! instead of just thinking through things in my head! and jesus made it really clear to me that i don't ask for nearly enough help. (one word for that... pride), physically, emotionally and spiritually. so with lots of prayer, i'm trying to work on that!
the journey is tough. but so worth it.
jesus is good. so so good.

school!!!

ohhhh nooooo! can't believe i'm writing this! but... school STARTED today. and i'm not dreaming! (i tried pinching myself about 20 times today... but man, this is reality! school has started!) the first day was good!!! it was great seeing everyone. i'm realizing though, that this is gonna be tougher on my hip than i had thought. it really irritates it, when i sit for a while, and then go to stand up, because it kind of "locks up". but then again, standing or walking for a while, irritates it too! ha ha. the joys of hip pain!!
i've got a crazy schedule. its gonna be a tough academic year! first semester, i have health 10, sophomore composition and literature honors, spanish III honors, AP american history, lunch, honors chemistry, study hall (in place of gym) and then algebra II honors. and then second semester, in place of health and study hall, i'll have word processing and pottery.
school is in session.
this is your year, jesus. use me.

short!

sorry... this one is gonna be record-breaking short! it's getting kind of late, and i have to get ready still, and school starts tomorrow! ah! i cannot believe that summer is over. it breaks my heart! :o) But I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends and getting back into a routine! will post more after school tomorrow, to let you all know how my first day goes! good night!

apart.

i couldn't get myself to post last night, after the match, so please excuse my "late posting"! yesterday's match i gave completely to jesus. i played the very hardest and best i possibly could. we won the first set- 7 to 5. then we lost the second set 2 to 6. (our match took an extremely long time.... we were the last match playing, so for the 3rd set, we just played out a 10-pt tie breaker, versus an entire set.) and we lost the tie breaker.

they played an excellent match. and last night just wasn't our night. but i was just falling apart on the bus. i was doing fine, until the match was over, and i had just shook their coaches hand, and all of a sudden, it was like someone smacked me in the face. (probably satan). telling me... oh blair, this isn't fair. you have been in such pain, and you finally trust jesus enough to get back out on the courts, and he makes you lose. you are in so much pain right now, all because he made you get out on this court, for nothing.

and right there. things just fell apart. literally. i was crying. i was limping. i had a hard time making it onto the bus. my teammates were having to carry my bag, and people were running around and trying to find ice for my hip. and i just sat down on the bus and cried. and. it felt like the world was crumbling. (i know this sounds so overly dramatic. but try to go with me here. i was in probably the most pain i've ever been in, i'm on this school bus, i just lost my first match i had played since i hurt my hip, i was disappointed, i was kind of mad, and i was in extreme pain.) and i will admit that in that moment, i said to jesus. why, jesus? why this much pain? why lose? why am i so angry? why am i so weak? and through the texts of some amazing people (mikey, tara, and allison!) jesus totally answered me. and he didnt' get angry back at me. but simply said. blair... you are in pain, so you can be comforted by me. you lost, so that you can be humble and give the praise of a great match to me. you are angry, so that you can see my grace and love. and you are weak, so that you can see my strength.

first match.

today is a big day for my hip and me. i will be playing in my first match, since i hurt my hip. some days it's hard to believe that i hurt my hip last september... about 11 months ago. and yet, other days, it feels like this has been going on for ever. today is one of those days, that i'm kind of caught in the middle. and it's so hard to believe that i haven't played a match since i hurt my hip in that match last september. i haven't ever really talked about that last day... but i think i will in this post. we'll see if it's healing for me.

it was a normal day. i never would have thought anything of it. i went to all my classes, and then once the school day was over, my team and i headed into the locker rooms, and got changed into our tennis uniforms. we had a home match that day. i was playing second doubles, and we were in the second set, when i started to notice that my right hip was hurting a little. it was nothing too big, i just figured i pulled something, and kept playing. didn't even mention it to my partner or coach. we were near the end of the second set, and it started getting much worse. i began to run with a limp, but was determined to finish out the match. my coach started to notice something was up, and called me over to the fence to ask about it, and i had a hard time making it to the fence. i was limping, and was in some of the most pain i had ever been in. but we only had one game left to finish the match, so i said, coach, i'm gonna finish it. (our team needed our court to win, for us to win the match. i wasn't going to let my team down.) we finished. and we won. my partner helped me off the courts, and my coach brought ice over. i still didn't really think anything of it. i just figured i pulled something. i went to school the next day, and things were quite a bit better, but it still hurt. the next day, i started to play at practice, but about 5 minutes into it, i couldn't bear it. i limped off the court, and called my mom to pick me up. i think that was when i realized, something is wrong. we scheduled an appointment with my pediatrician, but she ended up calling us and recommended that i go straight to an orthopedic. he immediately put me on prescription pain medicine and crutches. that was when we began to head down the path we've been on these last 11 months. that match brought me to crutches for 4 months, pain medicine, mri's, x-rays, ultrasounds, mri's with contrast, physical therapists, massage therapists, another orthopedic, pool therapists, rheumatologists, and i could go on. the pain has gotten much much worse. and my pain tolerance has gotten much much higher. my life was forever changed by jesus during that match. and that was the last match i played in.

and today. is my first time getting back onto the courts for a match, since that day. honestly... i'm worried. i have those thoughts in the back of my head that it's all going to repeat itself. i have those thoughts that i'm going to be put back on crutches, when i can no longer bear to walk after this match. but today is also very different. in that i'm totally leaning on jesus today. i'm handing this match over to him. i am playing today, but jesus is in control of today's match. and i'm following him, down whatever path he may lead me to. i am in deep pain. and i am going to be in even more after today's match. but i am also in love. in love with my king, savior, and best friend... jesus christ. who will never leave or forsake me.
jesus... this match is yours... and i'm giving it back to you.

buffalo wild wings

so our life group "core" met tonight up at buffalo wild wings. (bpc is having a new amazing set up for youth group this year. it's gonna be crazy. each city is gonna have "life groups", that will meet each week, and just get to know each other and hang and keep each other accountable and talk about what it means to be jesus' hands and heart on our campus. then on sunday nights, all the life groups will come together for veritas. i'm so excited to get started. jesus and i have really been talking about it lately, and i just know he has huge plans for this.) it was a great time. i'll post more about the life groups as the year goes on!
i'm pretty tired, and my hip tends to get worse at night, so i'm going to get some heating pad on it, and then head off to bed. thank you all for everything you do. your love, support, and prayers mean everything to me. i love you all.

chocolate

i am quite weird when it comes to chocolate. i love milk chocolate. but i don't like dark chocolate at all. and i don't like white chocolate very much. we got a box of truffles yesterday, and when i went to eat one today, i found i only liked one kind of the truffles. it was a milk chocolate caramel hazelnut truffle. it was delicious. but i was bummed when i found we had this box of truffles, and i could only get myself to "enjoy" one kind. are you like that with anything? like there's a huge selection, and you wish you could like or do them all, but you only like one, and you get bummed? wishing you could enjoy/do all of them? i think we are like that quite often with spiritual things, too. instead of getting excited and using the gifts or talents that god has given us, we complain and wish that we had the others. like me today, with my chocolates. instead of enjoying that i loved the chocolate i ate, i was bummed about not liking all of the chocolates. (have you all noticed that i relate almost everything to food? i just love food. ha ha! i figure that there is a reason for it... maybe it makes things easy to relate to, because everyone has to eat. where as my tennis analogies have a limited crowd of understanding!)
(i took my first of the new medicine last night. it made me quite drowsy, and i feel a little funky today... but they said that's pretty normal, because i'm starting a new and kind of strong pain medicine. this has happened with every new pain medicine i start, so i'm not too concerned. my pain is about a 7 today... and it was an 8.5 yesterday... so we'll see if the medicine is having much of an effect. i'll have to give it about a week before i can really tell. i'll let you all know.)

what kind of truffles have you been blessed with?

spanish

i've taken spanish for two years now, and am about to start my third year... so i will be in spanish III honors this year. i love spanish. i just think it's such a beautiful language, and that the spanish culture is so interesting. i have a new passion for spanish, though, as i have been sponsoring a girl named milagro, (means miracle in spanish), from Compassion, for over a year now. ever since i first selected her, as my "child", i have been dying to get to meet her. and i still hope to, one day. she lives in el salvador. but as a "incentive" to learn spanish well, i have decided that i will learn enough spanish to be able to communicate with milagro, without a translator, before i will go on a trip to see her. (now, this is... unless god intervenes! gods plan is my plan. i've just tried to set some "goals", after much prayerful consideration. i've always felt his calling to learn spanish, to use in his ministry.) today was kind of funny though. because i received a letter from milagro (she sends me about... one letter a month), and they always translate it for me. but this one, they had forgotten to translate! so for me, i could kind of hear god saying, "here you go... try this out. how is your spanish truly coming?" i got the main ideas of the letter, but still had to use the aid of an online translator. so we have much work to do, in my second language, but we are making progress! (we being jesus and i!) my prayer for milagro has always been philippians 1:9-11, which reads...
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

it is also my prayer for all of you. that your love may abound in knowledge and insight, and you may be able to discern, so that you may be pure and blameless, filled with righteousness through jesus christ, and you may always bring glory and praise to God. amen.

bitterness

i had thoughts running through my mind today at tennis practice that absolutely disguisted me. i was getting bitter, and i hated watching it. so i was having to pray for my sinful human nature, and try to battle it, amidst my tennis match! one of the girls on my team today, was complaining of a "hurting ankle", and so she just sat out all of practice. and my humanness was showing through in my thoughts, as i was thinking, "gr. she is sitting on the bench, and she doesn't even know what pain is. her ankle is hurting? hello! my hip is killing me, my entire leg has a shooting, stabbing, sharp pain. what is she talking about, she doesn't know pain. she should be playing." ooh it's sick. and that's embarassing for me to admit it. but that's what i was thinking. i hate that. why would i think like that? it makes absolutely no difference to me, if she sits out or plays. it's my choice to be playing, i could be sitting out. and since i am so experienced with pain, i should be more compassionate towards others who are injured... and i often am. i guess it's just that i'm a little more hesitant to be sympathetic, when i am actually having to do something that is killing me, and they are sitting out of the same activity because they are "hurting". but when i know that someone is legitimately hurting, i'm quite sympathetic and compassionate, because i've been there and am there! i know what they are going through. but i just hate those thoughts that i had this morning at tennis, so i am praying that jesus would change my attitude.

pick-up

so today is "schedule pick-up day" for school. my mom is going to grab mine, because she volunteered to pass out the schedules up at my school. i'm just kind of curious, more than anything else, to see my schedule, and teachers. i have a tough group of classes, though! i'm in... AP american history, honors spanish III, honors sophomore composition and literature, honors algebra II, honors chemistry, health, and pottery. no study halls!! i've got my work cut-out for me! i cannot believe that school starts next thursday. summer went so fast! plus, we've got our first tennis match on monday. (im not sure if i'll be playing at it, but then we have another two matches next week, so i'll play sometime next week!) time is flying by. we will probably be picking up my new medicine from the pharmacy today, so i'll get to try it out, and see if it helps for tomorrow. tennis is shorter today--practice is from 11-1. i'll post more after practice!

Post-Rheumatologist & jewelry

in response to some requests--i thought i'd post a picture of the necklace i made at my last jewelry class! it got a little cut-off, and it looks cuter in person. But you get the idea!! I go again on Tuesday. then for the rheumatologist appointment update.

i saw the rheumatologist this afternoon. no more answers. he has put me on a new pain medication. and has requested that i do pool therapy, again, but more sessions this time, and more physical therapy, and that i return again in about 6 weeks to see him. he did inform me that i have hypermobility in my joints (which i suppose was helpful!), it's seen in about 10-15% of people. and i'm one of them!! so that was interesting. we went through all my medical history and family history. and he doesn't feel i have arthritis. which is good! it was just kind of frustrating, to go through another appointment with no answers, when the pain keeps getting worse. but in all my weakness, jesus is showing me his incredible strength! I love our King.

"Savior I come

Quiet my soul remember

Redemptions hill

Where Your blood was spilled

For my ransom

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross

Where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees

Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself

I belong to You

Lead me, lead me to the cross"

-Lead Me to the Cross, Hillsong United

today is the day

you know that feeling when you wake up, if you have something "big" that day? like that... "today is the day" feeling? I have got that today. I see the rheumatologist today at 3. Dr. Spalding, to be exact. I'm not that nervous, which kind of surprises me, and I'm not very anxious. I'm just... in that state, where I know that today is important. I know that today is a day of many big decisions. But I'm trusting that Jesus will lead me down His Paths, and help me make the decisions, as well as grant the doctors wisdom. I'm praying that He would grant me and my family peace, comfort, and joy. I will post after the appointment. Thank you for all your prayers.

god being cool?

i'm not sure if this has ever come up in your walk, but i know it's come up in mine, and in many of my friend's. sometimes, i think that we forget how cool god is. and sometimes, i think we all think that god is not at all cool. i mean, we always think god is cool if he is blessing us and being extremely generous. and i think most of us think god is amazingly cool when we are alone with him. and we probably think god is pretty cool when we're at most church events, or with other believers. but what about when it's just you, in a room of darkness and unbelievers. then how proud are you of your cool friend, named jesus?

i will admit, and have many times before, that it is sometimes hard for me, to stand up for jesus, when i'm being the "lone-light" in a room or group of people. ex. you are in high school. in a classroom, before class starts, and a kid brings up PSR classes. and pretty soon, the entire room is talking about how much they hate PSR, and church (with a lowercase "c"...) is so boring, and how god is just about stupid rules, and their parents are so mean to make them go to church, and they are all getting fired up against god. and you are sitting there... now how cool does god seem to you? you don't have to tell me, so be honest. right now. think about it. personally, in that situation... god is still the king of my life. god is still amazingly loving and perfect and holy, and worthy of all my praise. god is still god. but i don't think i can stand up for god right there, because i don't want to create a mess. i don't want to get involved, and be what they might consider "the enemy". i like things how they are. i'm comfortable. i don't agree with them, but who wants to come out and say that to a group of people? i want to be accepted. everyone does. but think about our king and savior. he was rejected and condemned.

i'm not saying go out and get into a fight with every person you run into, and tell them how wrong they are. that's not going to show anyone jesus' love. i'm just saying... maybe we need to take a good hard look at our hearts, and figure out who really is the cool one and who really matters. is it us? or is it god? is it us, the sinners, broken, bruised, poor people who really matter? or is it god, the creator of everything, who is perfect, holy, and majestic, worthy of all praise, who sent his son to die for you and me, so that we may have eternal life?

god is cool.
but are you?

carrabbas

my family and i are going out to dinner tonight to carrabbas. i'm pretty excited. i just love going out for dinner, and especially for italian food! don't know why, just always have! and i was getting so excited, that i literally just wanted to see the menu. i just had to look at it. (ha ha, it's okay... you can laugh at me!) and so i googled it. (which is what we all do, all the time, these days, right? google everything) and i was reading the menu, from the comfort of our office chair, and was just drooling over the menu. (i really really love pasta, italian soups, chicken, all of it...) and then all of a sudden, i became ashamed that i was drooling over this menu. first off-it's like, a bunch of black lines drawn on a piece of paper. there's nothing to it. it's just written "words". so why am i drooling over it? it's because of the memories behind the words. the minute you say, lasagna,i'm thinking of my mom's homemade lasagna, and how good it is, and sitting with my family around the table on a cold winter night, enjoying our lasagna. or if you say, fettuccine alfredo, i'm thinking of pasta in a creamy yummy sauce, with chicken and vegetables. (flow with me here!) think about any "word", preferably food. sure, it's just a word. i mean, honestly, when i hear the word "the", i'm not getting all excited and toasty. but when i hear, ravioli, i do! now--here's where i'm going with this.
do you think... that this concept carries over, to our thoughts and feelings towards god. when you hear the word, jesus, what comes to mind? what about god? what about the holy spirit? do you start smiling and think about the love that comes from that relationship? the memories? are you excited? or is it more like just some word... have you lost the sense of awe and wonder? are you truly in love?
what comes to your mind?

shoulders

at tennis, i was serving a little more and stronger than my body could handle, and thus... i get sore and achy shoulders and elbows. but i've really been noticing my shoulders. and stick with me here, even though i'm probably taking this way too far.

could this symbolize, or be jesus trying to portray to me, that i am holding way too much weight on my own shoulders? i mean... how often we hold way too much in, or depend way too much on ourselves, or just carry burdens on our own that we don't need to, and we overload our shoulders. god can handle it, but we cannot. we each have to evaluate ourselves with god, but personally... i know that i put way too much on my own shoulders. i depend too much on myself, instead of relying solely on god. i know that today at church, carol rettew did an incredible sermon on hidden sin, and we all have it. you can lie to me and tell me you don't, but you do. and about the weight that adds to ourselves, and our shoulders. (check out joshua 7) that adds weight. i know i have vulnerability issues, and often times carry my own burdens, instead of approaching others for help. and so maybe... this is one of those times that god is trying to talk to me, and i'm just ignoring it and blaming it on tennis. maybe we need to think about the weight on our shoulders, and ask god for help in lifting it off of ourselves. what are you carrying on your shoulders?

sore saturday

today is simply going to be a day of hanging around the house and relaxing. i am extremely sore! and my poor body just aches. (it keeps saying, blair, what are you doing to me? haha!) i am in so much pain it's almost humorous. i mean. my hip kills, in a sharp and stabbing way. down the outside of my right thigh and lowerleg i have a shooting, burning pain. near my lower back on the right side i have an achy pain. my ankle is still swollen. my knee is bruised and scraped and cut. both of my legs are extremely sore from running yesterday, and playing tennis all this week. my shoulder is achy from serving. my right elbow hurts, i did a bad volley at the net yesterday, and just twisted it wrong. and i have a headache. i am quite pathetic today! haha. so today, i am laying on the couch. reading huckleberry finn. painting. watching a movie with my sister. and icing my poor body.

last night, i was listening to "i need you to love me" and "song for the broken" by the barlowgirls. i hadn't heard them before. but the lyrics seemed to hit home for me. i need you to love me is all about us just saying, god, have you not seen what i've done? why are you still here? i don't deserve you or anything i have, but i need you to love me. and that god has everything, and yet he still wants us. and that we need his love. and then song for the broken is about our western society, and how we are all so comfortable and secure, and that our prides are keeping us from showing that we are broken, bruised and poor. and how we are so slow in learning that strength only comes when we are on our knees, and yet we won't show when we are weak. and i will totally admit, that my pride is big. and i have a hard time, as they sing, about showing that i'm broken and bruised. but jesus has used all these medical experiences this year to help me break through that. and i'd like to think that i'm getting better at it. but only with jesus' help can we improve.

he'll never let you fall. he'll always catch you. thank you, jesus. i love you.

clumsy me!

so being my typical graceful self. i have really hurt my right leg today! the poor thing. not only is that my bad hip. then i twisted the right ankle at tennis today. and then a little while ago, i was getting up from our computer chair, and went to leave our office. and one of the filing cabinet drawers were open, and i didn't see it. so i gashed my right knee open. that hurt soo bad! man. so that is bleeding like crazy. and will have a lovely bruise tomorrow, i'm sure. so now... it's just my right leg that's bad.
another random topic. i've been noticing weird little "spots" on my legs, near my joints. i will mention it to the rheumatologist on wednesday. they look like bruises, but they are very small, and i never remember hurting myself, they just are there. and then on each joint, there is a patch of a weird, darker color. this is all new... since about, last week. we'll see what he says. seems really weird to me!!

overdid!

I slightly over did it at tennis today. My orthopedic asked the coaches to excuse me from all conditioning and sprinting that was not "on the courts". (in essence... i can play tennis. but cannot do any of the other "stuff".) But my pride has issues with me admitting that I can't do something or asking for "other arrangements". So when our coaches had us run a half-mile each way, to a different set of tennis courts, while she drove with our rackets, I also ran with my team. To sum up today's practice... I ran 1/2 a mile to the courts. I played 2 matches. I ran 1/2 a mile back. I played football with my team for 30 minutes (it was part of practice... why, I do not know.). And then I ran sprints with my team. Of course... rolling my ankle during the sprints, but continuing to run. (why I continued, I do not know). So now my ankle is swollen and painful. My hip kills. And I'm realizing I overdid it at practice today. Thank goodness it's Friday! :o) Tonight I'm just hanging around the house, watching the Olympics. And icing my hurting body! As well as eating the cupcakes that I frosted yesterday!! Yum...

schedules...

Sorry, I'm a little late in posting this one. It's been a crazy couple of days (and weeks! and months!!). As far as how I am feeling... I am alive. My hip is incredibly awful. I ache all over. I've had a headache since I woke up this morning. But... I'm alive...and going to be fine!
It's crazy how busy our schedules can get, in today's society. For example... yesterday, I had tennis 9-10:30 (it's actually til 12, but I had to leave early), orthodontist at 11, then a party at a friend's at 2-5, then a jewelry class at 5:30, then we went out to dinner, and I didn't get home til 9:15. And to be totally honest... I spent about 10 minutes in prayer before tennis, quite a few little "short" prayers throughout tennis, and then about 5 minutes in prayer in bed last night. And that's about it. And I hate that. But it's so hard to say no to things, in our schedules. I mean, we want to do everything!! And it all sounded fun, and when I would look on my calendar, it would show that I "could do it", so I just kept adding event after event. But really... if we stopped to think about it. Can we really do it? Should we really do it? If Jesus was standing right next to you, as you were making plans, would he be as enthusiastic about the event as you are. Is that where Jesus wants you to be at that moment? And can we each, handle our busy schedules, but still have Jesus as the focus and love of our lives. I mean... it's not about "fitting" Jesus in, like I did yesterday. Jesus is life. Our lives should reflect that. And everything we do, is to be for His Glory.
Speaking of schedules, I have a praise! My mom had emailed my guidance counselor, in regards to my schedule, because of the gym situation with my hip. Last year, they had dropped me out of regular freshman gym and put me in adapted/modified gym. (which is for injured students, physically disabled students, and special needs students... we each have our own "workout" plan, that we are capable of. It's quite an easy class, but the regular class is much too much for me, and there's no "medium".) And so we were wondering if that's what I'm going to do again, or if we could possibly put me in regular gym, but just excuse me from the "actual running". I can run during activities, but not just go and run a mile sort of thing. And she responded... she has completely dropped gym for me, for first semester, so I can heal up and focus on getting better, and then second semester, if I'm up to it, we will add adapted gym or regular gym back into my schedule. I know it sounds like a tiny issue... but this was a huge relief for me!!! Praise Jesus! More later... it's tennis time!!

rheumatologist

so. my rheumatologist appt has been rescheduled from tuesday at 9, to wednesday at 2. not too big of a deal! just thought i'd give the proper update! we had tennis today (no more rain!)... after tennis, my sis and i had piano lessons, and then mom and us went shopping. which was fun! but also very saddening, as it was a very loud reminder that school is just around the corner! i actually am looking somewhat forward to school though, especially with my hip. because "structure" just helps me deal with the pain. when i have time to just hang out, i start to focus on it more.
i am hurting tonight real bad. my hip is just... killing me. ice is my friend! but i'll get through it. it's just gonna be a hard season of tennis. so please excuse the very short, and not at all "deep", post for tonight. i am exhausted. and a little frustrated with circumstances. and honestly just need to spend some time with jesus. so i will post more tomorrow. love you all! thanks for the patience with me!

Practice=Cancelled!

So I had written this post earlier this morning, but it was just about me getting ready for practice and the dread of it, that I was feeling. But... I'm re-writing to tell you that practice was cancelled!! It was raining, and the courts were soaked. I'm glad that we get today off. That will help me tremendously, to let my hip kind of "rest up" from yesterday, and get ready for tomorrow. Plus... I did something really dumb last night, which is hurting me too! I had a little hangnail, and I went to just pull it off. And the hang nail came off! But it also pulled about an inch of my skin off with it, on my thumb. So my thumb is currently wrapped in tons of bandaids and not very happy with me. Man--that hurt so bad! Now I'm just relaxing and enjoying my day off! I'm going to go on a walk with a friend... and then I have small group tonight up at church, which I am soo ready for and in need of! :o) More later!

Here's for the "more later" portion! So... as you all probably know, I am in some serious pain today. But I'm really trying hard not to focus on that, because I don't want my mind to take over and "enlarge" the pain. I'm just really focused on being careful about honor. And that even though I am in pain, that I don't dishonor anyone, and then "blame" my actions on my pain. And I have to be careful with the way that I express my pain, for God's Glory, because complaining brings no one Glory, but rather causes more pain. I am just working through today with Jesus. No matter how severe the pain gets, I will follow Jesus. Because pain does not control me. Jesus does. And I always want to display that.

first day = over

so i lived through the first day of tennis practice to be able to write this post. just barely made it... but i did! i have mixed emotions about how today went. my coaches handled my injury much better than i had thought they would. they were amazingly supportive. they excused me from the conditioning and sprinting, as my orthopedic had requested, which helped me a ton. but i was kind of disappointed in how much my hip really hurt as i played the actual matches. it hurt much more than i had expected it to, and affected my playing more than i was hoping it would. it is currently an extremely sharp and stabbing pain on my hip. with my entire right leg just being "achy", and some pain shooting down the outside of my leg, from my hip. but i can walk still!!! which is an improvement from last year, when i had to be put on crutches. to sum up today... my hip kills. the tennis playing was a little weak. but jesus was as merciful, loving, and strong as ever.

joy...

joy is a fruit of the spirit. joy is an inner happiness and peace, that does not change with circumstances. our emotions change frequently, but joy is different. joy can only come with knowing jesus. and not only knowing jesus, but asking jesus for help with joy, and leaning on god for help. some days, joy is easy. some days, joy feels impossible. but with the holy spirit's help and guidance, we can be joyful, no matter what.

i've always struggled with joy, to be honest. and this post is really hard for me to write. it's not that i don't love and praise jesus. it's not that i don't want to be happy. it's not that i don't want to reflect the spirit. it's that i have always allowed earthly circumstances affect me. which in some ways, i think is good. jesus works through earthly circumstances in heavenly ways. but... it's when i start to let them wear me down and tear away at me, that problems start arising. joy is the fruit of the spirit that i really really really have to pray for help with, and jesus always comes through. not that i'm always joyous, but jesus always comes through for me. joy is a hard thing. it's a rare thing to come across, quite often. but the weirdest thing about it? the place that i found joy the most easily is the last place you'd expect. i found it in my wing of the cleveland clinic's childrens hospital. when i was hospitalized for my blackouts, i had just gotten back from my youth group's high school retreat (veritas at bay presbyterian church!). i was totally changed that weekend, and jesus spoke to me in huge ways. and i kept asking him to give me more, take me further, take me beyond. now. never. ever. that weekend did i expect that to take me to the emergency room and then 2 nights in the hospital the following day! but it did! and that first night was awful. i was exhausted, felt just horrible, worried, a little shocked to be honest, and just... totally out of my normal "zone". i mean. i was in a hospital gown, in a hospital room, hooked up to heart monitors, blood pressure cuffs, blood-oxygen level monitors, had just gotten out of the emergency room, and was in a hospital in downtown cleveland!! that's not my normal monday night. i was overwhelmed. it was scary. i had been having blackouts. i had never had them before in my life! and, kind of like in "trading my sorrows", it was like... though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes in the morning!! man did that come to life for me. the sorrow lasted the night. as i was awaken many times to check my vitals and to give more blood. but that next morning... i met the little boy in the room two down from me! he was the cutest thing you've ever seen (probably 4 yrs old). he was admitted into his room at about 1am that morning, and i was admitted about 4 hours earlier. that next morning, we were both having the same test, an EEG. they thought he was probably having seizures, and i was still on seizure watch. the entire time, that little boy was playing with his trains. he was always laughing. cracking up the whole time. offering me to play with his trains. playing with his siblings. this four year old was in the same place i was. and yet... he knew joy. and so that hospital stay, i learned about joy, from a four year old.

i'm trading my sorrows,
i'm trading my shame,
i'm laying them down,
for the joy of the lord.

i'm trading my sickness,
i'm trading my pain,
i'm laying them down,
for the joy of the lord.

trade them.. and get the joy of the lord.

heart monitor

For all of June and part of July, I was prescribed to wear a heart monitor. (I had been seeing a neurologist for blackouts, and they requested that I see a cardiologist. She didn't see anything that concerned her, from a cardiology standpoint, yet prescribed that I wear a heart monitor for 30 days just to be sure.) It was about... a week into my heart monitoring that I had a breakthrough with it, spiritually and emotionally. This is a clipping out of my journal from that day:

“Everything is beautiful even when the tears are falling I don’t need a miracle to believe Even in the crashing down I can hear redemption calling and everything is beautiful to me” --Starfield

My Heart Monitor...

Every time I feel my monitor, or remember it, I will look down at the screen and see my heart rate. And just by seeing that, it makes me thankful to see numbers. Thankful to be able to see at all. Then to be able to read numbers. Then to have a heart rate to record. Then to have a family who can afford medical treatment. Thankful to be able to see a cardiologist, who can request that I have this monitor. Thankful for the ability to have the monitor. Thankful for the pants to attach it to, and the electrodes to attach to the monitor. And then I remember that to have that heart rate, I have to have energy. So I become thankful for the food I eat, the hands that prepare it, the water that I drink, the home that I live in, the ability to have running water, when I need it. And I could go on forever, so just by looking at this little monitor, Jesus totally speaks to me. And He grants me a peace, as I become grateful, because I stop worrying. You aren't concerned about whether in 2 minutes your heart will still be beating, because you become thankful that it ever beat in the first place. You become thankful that Jesus' heart beat, so that He could live and live the perfect example, then take the cross, let His Heart stop, but then come back and restart. You become thankful that your heart is beating at this moment. I am grateful that your heart is beating to be able to read this. And as I write this, I am grateful that my heart is beating at 80 beats per minute! Just stop and think about that for a minute. That is incredible. My heart can beat 80 times in a minute. In fact, it takes less than a minute for my blood to travel through my heart, all around my body, and back to my heart. And to add to that, I have approximately 80,000 miles of blood vessels in my body! That is totally mind-boggling!! I become thankful that my body is so amazing, that my heart can beat at 80 beats per minute, and I become even more thankful that I have a God who is the most incredible Creator, and could think of such beautiful creations. I'm thankful for such a Beautiful God-who has such an amazing, Holy, and Perfect Heart, full of mercy and love. And as I’ve become thankful, I’ve come to better know and love Jesus, as Savior and Best Friend.

What will it take for you to become thankful?

sourdough turtles...

when we were in san francisco earlier this summer, i walked by the boudin bakery. this is what i saw. not only sourdough shaped like turtles. they also had others.
the classic crab sourdough. and there were also teddy bear shaped ones and alligator ones. now... i'm sure you are wondering where i'm going with this. and honestly so am i! i just find it amazing, that someone could make a crab, turtle, bear, or alligator, out of bread dough. and for it to turn out that good!
but you know why that embarasses me? because i use the word amazing to describe jesus. and yet i turn and use it to describe shaped-bread. i think that we all too often shape jesus into someone that our mind's can comprehend and understand. we make him into someone that we can fully know. someone that can meet our needs, but still give us space to live our own lives. we put god in a box. how often do we forget about the awe of god. the mystery of god. the beauty of god. how often do we use the word "incredible" to describe a sunset, or a painting, or a new song, or a flower, or a rock concert, or a sports game, and then try to use that some word to describe god. god created those things... but they are not nearly god. god is beyond words. sure we will try to describe him in our english language (And i do that often... i will describe him as powerful, loving, beautiful, holy, perfect, amazing...) but we just have to make sure that we are still understanding that god is beyond that.
you know something else about these sourdough animals...they are expensive. and yet, people are buying them like crazy. and i think i have an idea why. not only are they a great conversation starter at a party. but because we are all desperate for something "incredible". think about it. that's how we were made, but our lives reflect it. you wouldn't turn on the tv at night and flip through the channels, hoping to find something that would completely bore you. you are looking for something that will entertain you, make you laugh, maybe make you think, or maybe occupy your mind so that you don't have to think... maybe we need to stop looking for satisfaction in earthly things, and look to god. because no matter how cute that sourdough turtle is, it will either be eaten or it will rot. it will not last forever. only god lasts beyond all things.

bread is bread.

but god is god.

summer homework...

it is august. thus, it is the month when all high schoolers start their summer homework. as you might guess, i have procrastinated (as i mentioned in my previous post)! but i feel quite accomplished right now, because i just finished reading "wuthering heights"! and not only that, i have finished my AP american history homework!! all 100 pages of textbook and 8 pages of packet! so i'm left with the essay for wuthering heights, the reading of adventures of huckleberry finn, and the essay for huckleberry finn! you know that feeling, when you know that you need to do something or finish something, and you convince yourself that you will just do it later, or tomorrow? i think that's when we start to fail. and i'm not just talking summer homework. i think with all things. we let ourselves procrastinate way too much. i am a procrastinator. but really... in this life, there shouldn't be any room for procrastinating. none of us know how long jesus is placing us on this earth. and i'm not saying this to be depressing or shocking... but tomorrow might be too late. in fact, you might never finish reading this post. i might not finish writing it. god is the only one who knows how many breaths we will breathe or how many times our hearts will beat. and since god gives you every breathe and every pulse, why not use them to glorify him? not tomorrow... not tonight... not in 5 minutes... now.

need you now...

I was searching on iTunes the other day, trying to procrastinate the reading of my summer homework! (Wuthering Heights... and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (and 1 essay for each of them)... plus 100 pages of AP American History textbook, with an 8-page packet) And I was looking at some of Chris Tomlin's older stuff. (2001, I think!). And I found this song called "Need You Now". The lyrics are short, but they are so true and real. They go:

Time for me to step out of the water,
Time for me to just loose my hold,
and it's time for me to leave here,
all that I've hoped for.
Could you take me where I need to go?
I am waiting for your love,
I am reaching for your touch,
lost without you, God reach down,
I need you now, I need you now.

I think we all need those lyrics. I know that right now, Jesus is really talking to me about just letting go, and handing everything over to Him. It's like... we'll hand over certain things to Jesus, or we'll hand over everything but only to a certain extent. With all my medical "mysteries" right now, I find myself doing that. And so my prayer lately has been that Jesus would just totally consume me and help me to hand every thing over, because I can't do this without Him!! And that we would all leave behind those little "hopes and dreams" that we make for ourselves. And we can't do that on our own.
Jesus, we need you now, we need you now...