joy...

joy is a fruit of the spirit. joy is an inner happiness and peace, that does not change with circumstances. our emotions change frequently, but joy is different. joy can only come with knowing jesus. and not only knowing jesus, but asking jesus for help with joy, and leaning on god for help. some days, joy is easy. some days, joy feels impossible. but with the holy spirit's help and guidance, we can be joyful, no matter what.

i've always struggled with joy, to be honest. and this post is really hard for me to write. it's not that i don't love and praise jesus. it's not that i don't want to be happy. it's not that i don't want to reflect the spirit. it's that i have always allowed earthly circumstances affect me. which in some ways, i think is good. jesus works through earthly circumstances in heavenly ways. but... it's when i start to let them wear me down and tear away at me, that problems start arising. joy is the fruit of the spirit that i really really really have to pray for help with, and jesus always comes through. not that i'm always joyous, but jesus always comes through for me. joy is a hard thing. it's a rare thing to come across, quite often. but the weirdest thing about it? the place that i found joy the most easily is the last place you'd expect. i found it in my wing of the cleveland clinic's childrens hospital. when i was hospitalized for my blackouts, i had just gotten back from my youth group's high school retreat (veritas at bay presbyterian church!). i was totally changed that weekend, and jesus spoke to me in huge ways. and i kept asking him to give me more, take me further, take me beyond. now. never. ever. that weekend did i expect that to take me to the emergency room and then 2 nights in the hospital the following day! but it did! and that first night was awful. i was exhausted, felt just horrible, worried, a little shocked to be honest, and just... totally out of my normal "zone". i mean. i was in a hospital gown, in a hospital room, hooked up to heart monitors, blood pressure cuffs, blood-oxygen level monitors, had just gotten out of the emergency room, and was in a hospital in downtown cleveland!! that's not my normal monday night. i was overwhelmed. it was scary. i had been having blackouts. i had never had them before in my life! and, kind of like in "trading my sorrows", it was like... though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes in the morning!! man did that come to life for me. the sorrow lasted the night. as i was awaken many times to check my vitals and to give more blood. but that next morning... i met the little boy in the room two down from me! he was the cutest thing you've ever seen (probably 4 yrs old). he was admitted into his room at about 1am that morning, and i was admitted about 4 hours earlier. that next morning, we were both having the same test, an EEG. they thought he was probably having seizures, and i was still on seizure watch. the entire time, that little boy was playing with his trains. he was always laughing. cracking up the whole time. offering me to play with his trains. playing with his siblings. this four year old was in the same place i was. and yet... he knew joy. and so that hospital stay, i learned about joy, from a four year old.

i'm trading my sorrows,
i'm trading my shame,
i'm laying them down,
for the joy of the lord.

i'm trading my sickness,
i'm trading my pain,
i'm laying them down,
for the joy of the lord.

trade them.. and get the joy of the lord.