loads of appointments coming up... which is both, tiring and kind of annoying, and yet, gives me such a sense of hope, as i continually am crossing my fingers for some answers! but praying and meditating on god's timing.in the next few weeks... we have:10/28- 6:00 massage therapy11/4- 9:45 psychologist - 2:30 eye doctor11/7-7:30 physical therapy (PT)11/10- 3:15 PT11/12- 4:00 rheumatologist - 5:15 flu shot -6:00 PT11/13-7:30 allergist11/17-3:15 PT11/19-5:15 PT12/1- 3:15 PT12/2- 8:15 dermatologist- outpatient surgery12/3- 4:30 PT12/8-3:15 PT12/10- 4:30 PT12/15- 3:30 neurologist12/16: 1:15 psychologist12/17- 4:30 PTthat's my medical schedule so far... we have a few more appointments to make, that will get added. but, for now... that's what we've got! it's gonna be fun. but we're praying that, maybe, hopefully, we'll get some answers! sorry for the pretty boring post. but that's kind of what's on my mind tonight.i get my temporary license on thursday! look out, i'm gonna be on the roads! :o) i'm excited, though.more soon!
so... where did the title of the blog come from? these lyrics i wrote, that the amazing logofieffs worked collaboratively on, to create the song, "just clay"!!!check out the link, to hear it: http://higuru-munda.blogspot.com/2008/10/just-clay.htmlJust a mound of clay on Your Table, Lord.
I'll take work and kneading,
and yet you see my beauty,
and lovingly you form me.Just a mound of clay on Your Table, Lord.
I'll take work and kneading,
Work and kneading,
Lord, You are my Potter.Hold me, mold me.I am just clay, but in yourHands, I am taught and formed.
Just a mound of clay, on Your Table, Lord.
Hold me, mold me.I am just clay but in your
Hands, I am taught and formed.
I'm scared, Lord, could You hold me?
I'm scared and sinful, would You still mold me?
And lovingly form me.
And lovingly form me.
And now, I'm on my knees (And now, I'm on my knees)
Asking You to hold me- (hold me-)
And now, I'm on my knees (And now, I'm on my knees)
Asking You to mold me- (mold me-)
And lovingly form me.
And lovingly form me.
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
-Broken by Lifehouse
i could never say this enough... god has blessed me with the most INCREDIBLE group of believers, so much better than anything i could ever ask for. i totally mean that. i love all of you-- veritas leaders & friends, "underground" leaders from this past year and this summer, upstreet crew, and i could go on and on.
c.g. made a cd for me last week--and this was the opening song on it. i listened to it for the first time on sunday night, and was kind of like, hm... it's got a nice tune. sweet. and that was about all the thought i put to it. then came tuesday afternoon. and i had a total meltdown. it got really rough. and the first thing that came to mind was, turn on that cd that c.g. made you. so i sat down to listen to it, and "broken" played. it was the most perfect song for that moment. mainly because, lifehouse kept it real. when i'm having those meltdowns, it's not very comforting to turn on a song about someone just saying how amazing love is. not that i don't live off of god's love, i do. but during those total lows, you need someone to just be real, and not "downplay" your struggles. and through this song, jesus was able to tell me, i understand that you feel like you are falling apart, that you are struggling, that you are in so much pain, that you have a broken heart, yes... i understand. but you will be okay, i am here, and i have got you. just try to hang on, but i will never let you fall. you are a little lost, but you have not forgotten how to get back to me. i'm right here.
then through the allergist appointment, thursday night, and friday's bloodwork, this song was just playing over and over in my head. i am falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating, in the pain there is healing, and in God's name, i find meaning. so i'm hangin' on. and i'm hangin' on to the words He has given me.
i may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.
this was today's view. minus the wood walls and the stain in the tile. i'm not a huge fan of looking at ceilings, but i had no option in today's situation. i passed out again. this time, at the allergist. went for the first time today, to see if i have allergies (after a supposed, "sinus infection" for the last 5 weeks.) they gave me 9 allergy injections, and my body did not approve. out i went! i'm recovered... i just take a while. it took a good 5 hours for me to start feeling better. no allergies, it turns out. but she put me on a very strong antibiotic to try to clear out all my sinus infection--just crossing our fingers i don't get the "forewarned" diarrhea side effect. and then i have to get more bloodwork tomorrow to check my antibody count. she has a feeling i might have an immune deficiency, in which, for whatever reason, my body has stopped making antibodies. will post more after the bloodwork tomorrow. hoping to see no more ceiling tiles! :o)
Been a while since I posted... interesting week at school; we have a really weird schedule. Tomorrow we take the PSAT, so our periods are all 16 minutes long (woo!! way short!), and then on Thursday, our periods are all 26 minutes long, and then we have early release, and then no school on Friday! :o) Yet I feel soo busy, even with all the extra time!
been noticing the pain spreading again... hip is still the "center"... followed by my fingers, right knee, left shoulder, left ankle, and then right elbow. the hip pain has spread around to my lower back and then down to my inner thigh, as well as down the outside of my thigh down to my toes. hoping to see the rheumatologist again soon. the pain meds just aren't doing anything anymore. see the psychologist in early december.
saw the "massage therapist" today, for the peeling of the muscles session. just trying anything, hoping for some results. we seem to be making extremely slow, and yet... somewhat minimally steady progress. i try to stay hopeful!
i trust jesus has this all under his control. and i'm trying to stay thankful for my pain, because i know that it has been one of the biggest blessings for me... just hard to remember that some nights, like tonight.
i love you jesus! and know that your love, strength, and grace are sufficient for me! more than enough, dear lord!
yay! i made it through homecoming, crutch-free! homecoming was so much fun. it was crazy--it was highschool-like, but it was fun. we danced the night away--and my hip made sure i was aware that it didn't like 3.5 hours of dancing! but that didn't stop me! i danced with one of my best friends, D.D., who is absolutely hilarious, and the coolest guy you've ever met- and what is so amazing about D.D. is he has been in a wheelchair almost his entire life from spinal dystrophy, and yet, he's never bitter-he' s never envious, he's so supportive, he's like my brother. and he was a blast to dance with, we came up with all kind of cool dances for me last year when i was on crutches, and so this year, we made dances for him in his wheelchair. it was hilarious. and then i danced as d.d. calls "normally" with some other guys and friends! it was a blast. everybody looked so pretty-and it was fun!
then veritas on sunday! which was awesome. but i'll admit, i've been feeling a little weird these last weeks, with small signs of dizziness coming back, but i've been trying to ignore them. but during the first song of worship last night, i couldn't ignore the symptoms. my heart started pounding and i felt like i was going to pass out. so A.D.S. and i went out into the hall and got a drink of water, and then my heart felt weird, and we took my pulse, and let's just say... my heart was racing like crazy. i can't remember a time it was going this fast, and it was pounding. we prayed. and then i started getting really dizzy. so A.D.S. ran and got C.G., our youth group leader, and he had us move onto the couches in his office, and then M.M. (another amazing leader!) came back with a water bottle, and i started trembling. and then the throbbing headache and sweating began. and then we prayed-and things started to calm down. and then M.P. came back and prayed with us, and i was feeling up to returning to the group, and C.G. had an awesome message. and i was so thankful jesus fixed me up in time to hear it! it was kind of a tough thing for me though, just because, i had been in "the clear" for all this POTS stuff for about... 4 months, and then last night was a solid reminder that i'm not there yet. but we'll get through it.
jesus. i thank you for my health issues. lord, i know you've placed them in my life for a reason and for your glory. and lord, amidst my confusion, frustration, anxious thoughts, and total fear, i'm relying on you and your grace to get me through. jesus, i love you. you are my rock and strength and my king. you are incredible. and you are so beyond any little earthly medical problem-and i trust that. i trust you. and i love you. and i'm giving this all back to you, and thanking you for what you are doing in my life. i thank you for the people you have surrounded me with, like A.D.S., C.G., M.M., T.M., M.P., and i could go on and on, with M.G. and L.G. and R.S., and... so on. but i just thank you for you, and your glory, and your honor, and your love. you are so amazing. i love you. amen.
#66 m.m.i open today's post with the football number and initials of captain medders, an army captain who was killed in iraq this past week. he was a 2001 graduate of my high school. it's been a hard week for our town. and yet-it's been amazing to see our community come together for this family. friday's homecoming game was dedicated to mike, as was all of this week's festivities. friday's game was opened with the 21-gun salute.but tonight, is the big homecoming dance. i'm pretty excited-and honestly, i'm really excited to be able to put on a dress, and not have crutches or tape accompanying it! (and, you would think i would have learned from melanie's example, in her skirt and knee story! ha ha, mel!). its about 3:30, and i'm about to start getting ready! i painted my toenails this morning. and am about to hop in the shower, and then dry the hair, straighten the hair, "do" the hair (i've got a new style to try, my hair dresser taught me!), get in the dress, then makeup, then paint the finger nails... and then it's pictures and dinner at a friend's house with the girls and guys, and then we are off to the dance! and then we are hanging at a friend's house afterwards for a while. it should be fun. will post more later!
